Saturday, January 15, 2011

Uncertain, Rethinking, Questioning

A decision to be made: considerations and implications.  What will it mean?  What will happen?  Who will it affect?

People wait anxiously for my word, my decision; pressing on me, bending my back with their hungry, expectant eyes.  Hurrying me when I need more time.

Only I'm not ready.  But there's nothing for it but to choose.  Decide and move on to the next thing, the next question, the next choice.  Because there is always something else to determine or choose or settle.  Always something else to commit to or solve.

It is never ending. 

I long to choose something new and challenging.  A risk, anything to get the blood rushing, to strain the muscles: anything to propel me up and beyond the routines of daily existence that increasingly comfort yet restrain me with each passing year. 

Anything to make me feel alive and vibrant on long and bitter winter days instead of insulated and isolated.

For now, harried and hurried I settle for the safe and known despite the fact that it is the tried and true that I most want to rebel against, to rise above.  It is the tried and true that seems to be thickening my blood and my waistline.

Decision made: I step to the counter and order Sesame Chicken even though it may not be what I really want. 

But what do I really want for dinner tonight, or the next night or the next?

More importantly, what do I really want for myself, my life and my future?  The same books and music and food? The same people and places?  The tried and true.

Or do I want unknown horizons and expanded views?  Music fresh to my ears, words and sentences and thoughts both strange and wondrous to me.  Untasted food, exotic to my tongue, foreign to my knowing body. 

I don't know.  I can't decide.


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